Just a quick word concidering I still don't think you read the rules like I asked you to...
This The V.A.H.A.L.I Initiative. is in direct opposition of the rules. Please remove it and all references to it in your app. I don't want you to waste your time writing furthur, also please read the rules as I suggested because it seems you might have not read them.
I'm going to make this easy and just state point-by-point what I think needs improvement/changing, will keep it brief and simple.
- Appearance: If what you have there right now are just cliffnotes for reference, and are made to remind you on specific points you will use in sentences, then its fine for now. If what you have there is the entire thing then you'll need to expand, don't just state elements about him but put them in full sentences.
- Personality: Okay so far, but do expand (though I realize this is WIP). Main thing that bothers me is that if he distrusts the Alliance then why shouldn't he have the same feelings towards the Corsairs? They are still very much Alliance forces, just a more stand alone unit. So it kinda doesn't make sense in that regard. Also I hope you're not planning to make that drinking thing into an addiction? Since we already have a lot of addicted people on the site so far, and its kinda been done to death. Just saying.
- Equipment: Wooden Baseball Bat? I'm going to say no to that. There is no practical way to carry it portably and with shield and armor technology that thing would most likely break before it does any damage at all. Also no armor? I would recommend at least some sort of armor aside shielding, minor armor would even suffice. Take for example Mordin, he wears a lab outfit but still has partial armor pieces. Just a suggestion.
- History: I'm still iffy about the whole "Turian Secret Police" thing, going to talk this over with staff but don't get your hopes up. Mainly because you are already making up so many seperate factions that this is becoming a fanfiction.
Also expand upon what happens, don't just state "and then that person shot that person and then they got away, they hid and then got rescued", just seems a tad forgettable since most of these situations are a bit more gripping than that.
That was most of it so far. As I said before not in depth, that will have to wait until it has more substance.
Last Edit: May 9, 2012 14:14:49 GMT -5 by Ryz Skagan
Further more, you have not taken most of my previous mentioned points into consideration. Appearance section (for example) is virtually unchanged, which is still too brief.
Also as a minor point, your specialization does not give you any special "extra" perks, its just to clarify what your job as a specialist is. So that health boost should go as its more of a stat boost rather than an explanation of his speciality.
Good job. Okay Simon there are just a few things and then we can get this puppy approved.
Abilities: Flashbang grenade is now a tech power. Please choose a different power.
Personality: Does he drink while in combat? Cause that could be careless and not allowed in military settings. I mean on his time off he is free to drink.
Does he tend to treat humans nicely? Or does he not like his own race? or just love other races only? Is he only nice to Turians or all other aliens?
History: Did he know his sister's murderer? How was she murdered? How did this affect him? It seems like almost an after thought... like "Oh yeah... and my sister was murdered."
"Deus Vult" What is this? And is there anything in the codex that supports there is an organization like this?
"Betraying God and his mortal servant"... This is in no way something we have seen Cerberus say or do? Where did you get this? I don't see how Cerberus who is an organization that is so connected with the advancement of humanity would turn to something like religion. They seem science and fact based, whereas religion is faith based.
Deus Vult and The Man of Faith both seem like something from your own personal fanfiction and nothing that is based in Codex information. It is okay to have a lush and creative backstory but there is a thin line between creative backstory and Fanfiction writing and I think this is in the fanfiction realm. Cerberus is enough of big bads... no need to add these religious undertones.
I don't see your app losing it's intergrity with just making your father part of Cerberus and removing the religious undertones. Considering the whole jumping through hoops to create this Deus Vult.
After graduating from Oxford University in England in 2176
What did you graduate in, I'm assuming something that supports the job of an architect which he later took up?
Simon had lost his Alliance visa and had to stay on Taetrus for another three months while waiting for a new one to be supplied.
When you lose your visa, you are not allowed to stay in/on the foreign country/planet for another 3 months, you usually get deported quite quickly. Just sayin'.
Only to find that his name was blacklisted and his former clients (some of whom were once his friends) had cut their ties with Simon completely, Including Simon's own mother who had apparently disowned Simon with no explanation. Upon investigation, He learned of a new anti-alien manifesto with overtones of religious fervor: "Deus Vult".
It doesn't really state why he's being blacklisted, only that he discovers about the manifesto.
I'm going to issue an ultimatum here, either remove the Deus Vult link to Cerberus and make it its own entity or just have it be Cerberus, although that would require them to have a specific goal for doing what is stated in the history. Though as Jade said, the religious undertones don't really see how it adds to the integrity of the app.
Last Edit: Jun 8, 2012 23:35:34 GMT -5 by Ryz Skagan
Post by Marɨck Løcke on Jun 17, 2012 13:18:00 GMT -5
• Your application could really use another look over for grammatical errors. You seem to have the beginning word of sentences not capitalized a few times and some words in the middle of a sentence or after a comma capitalized for no reason. Also some periods where there should be a comma and comma where there should be periods.
• Please put your equipment into the templates, it helps us when glancing at applications.
• A man who has pyrophobia uses carnage? Furthermore you do know incendiary ammo, inferno grenades, and incinerate are all common sights on a battlefield right?
• A full grown man, Oxford graduate architect, and mercenary soldier wears a letterman jacket? Much less one he specifically went to a store and paid to have a custom one made that insults the alliance?
• If you like, you could expand on the somewhat random comment that he is a roman catholic. How important is religion to him? Always wears a cross? Can he be often found in prayer? Does he very strictly observe it's tenants, rituals, and go to church whenever possible? Does he find any conflict in accepting roman catholicism's man created in god's image alongside aliens existing? The sky is the limit here.
• Homophobic wouldn't be an appropriate word to use for his dislike of humans.
• I'm not sure I actually understand the reason for his dislike of humans. He was born and raised on earth, but two years with turians as well as some cult hassling him and suddenly you dislike all humans? Psychologically that doesn't make much sense.
• An Oxford graduate architect with no combat training just gets up one day and decides to become a mercenary? Much less "dedicated to stemming the tide of hatred and bigotry"? What does that even mean? How does a freelance mercenary get a steady paycheck by stemming the tide of hatred and bigotry?
• You can't live without Arcadia, why didn't he go back to being an architect so he could be with her more often? If she is a major in the turian Blackwatch and your joining the Corsairs, you two aren't going to be seeing each other for quite some time. I'm not even sure if you'll be able to speak to each other much with how communication technology works in mass effect. I imagine your going to need a really good reason to join the Corsairs.